Private - Waking Up [P]

Kyupin scratched at the back of her head, bowing it and staring at Gwyn's feet, face flushed. "Thank you so much, Gwyn," she said for what must've been the hundredth time. "I don't know what happens to Vulcan if I log out, but I have an… appointment." Her expressive feline ears folded over, and she reached out to run her fingers through her companion's fur.

She tenderly brushed out a knot in Vulcan's fur, smoothing it down for the last time before she'd have to leave. It was really cutting it close, delaying her departure, but she almost didn't want to deal with going offline. She really enjoyed the world of Terra. It was freeing. Uplifting.

But she still had a life to live outside.

Taking a deep breath, Kyupin flicked through her UI, hand hovering over the SIGN OUT button. "I'll be back soon, I promise." She meant it, to both Vulcan and Gwyn, whom she had convinced to look after her companion while she was gone.

Her body faded away, disappearing pixel by pixel as her companion howled at her vanishing image.

Hidden: Somewhere in Boston, MA

Val sat up with a gasp, hands reaching to unhook the VR machinery. It felt strange, being back in the 'real world', almost as if it had become foreign to her while she had been in the game. She dropped the visor on to her blanketed lap, looking around the room and taking it in. It was her bed. Her desk. The room she'd practically grown up in.

She went to stand, shifting her body to the edge of the bed – and promptly fell off it and to the ground with a loud SLAM. Everything seemed to freeze. She could hear her brother, or was it her father, rushing up the stairs to help her. Her grandparents calling from the dining room, wanting updates on what was happening. No legs. She'd forgotten. She'd gotten so used to running around freely, the sensation of grass on her feet, that… she'd… forgotten.

Her hands drifted to her legs. Her stumps.

The scream burst out of her before she could swallow it down. It filled the room, the hallway outside, the entire house with her pain. Her vision blurred over with tears that quickly puddled underneath her face, her nails digging into the flesh just above her thighs. The only flesh left down there. She could feel the pain, feel the sensation of her nails, biting into skin. It was so real, sososoreal too real getheroutgeTHEROUT.

She hadn't drank in a while. Her throat was raw, only worsening the longer she screamed.

It took her a while to register the arms wrapped around her body, supporting her and lifting her up to her bed. The frantic shouts that sounded muffled to her drowning psyche. "Ge… do…tor… hou… it!" Was that her brother? A hand brushed up and down the side of her body, the scent of her dad (he always smelled like car oil) invading her senses. He didn't hesitate to turn her into his chest, letting her soak his shirt with snotty, wet tears. "Oka… ck in g… ba… ea…"

They laid her down, pulling the visor back over her eyes. As it whirred to life, she could hear cries synchronize with her own. Her dad… was crying…?

She connected as suddenly as she had disappeared, her standing avatar collapsing as her senses registered the world. Immediately, her hands reached for her legs, patting them down as if they'd disappeared while she was gone.

Although she'd certainly been apprehensive about leaving, Kyupin now seemed… terrified. Her breathing came too quickly, eyes darting around wildly as if she weren't quite fully there. Vulcan whined fiercely, dropping his head on to Kyupin's lap. It didn't bring her out of her stupor, it wasn't enough to snap her out of the hysteria quickly taking over.

Words started to tumble out of her mouth, too quick and too soft to fully understand. It seemed she was well into a massive panic attack.

It seemed that she'd completely forgotten @Gwyn ap Herne was here too.

 

Gwyn put both her hands out to wave away Kyupin's worries, though the Felis parroted her thanks once more. "It's no problem, experience is experience and I'm happy to help!" She laughed helplessly at the other's insistence. The ranger had opted to tag along with Kyupin through a few starter quests after their initial meeting. A few errands in the small town they'd gone too after she had tamed Vulcan had been enough to keep the girl busy while Gwyn had met up with Isolt. After that? She had decided she would rather not immediately throw herself back into the fray. The calmness of Brisshal had been a welcome change of pace and over the coming days they had gotten Kyupin a better foothold in the new world. They'd found themselves in Stokbon running fetch quests, fighting rats in store basements, and the like. A few she had already done or done a variation of and so they had breezed through. Maybe the other thought of it as a burden on the higher level player, but honestly Gwyn was happy to forget her worries for a bit.

Being in Stokbon only highlighted the issue, but the NPCs had no way of knowing she had taken part. A guild tag couldn't damn her, they couldn't see that. Even if they could, not all of the guilds had fought on the Yladian side. Players like Isolt had aided the civilians and brought them back to the capital themselves. It still unnerved her to stand in the seat of the power she had helped attack, but they also were racist and habitual slavers. Well, that was unfair. The small shop keeps and peasants, farmers and civil service workers, all the lower walks of life weren't high enough up to be keeping slaves and she didn't know all of their opinions on elves or what they had been told by their nation. She didn't have a right to damn them all.

Shaking herself from the stupor, she nodded as Kyupin said her farewells. "Vulcan will be fine. Tames 'log off' with you. He'll get a good nap while you're gone is all." With that settled she saluted her own goodbye and watched the girl vanish as she logged off. An appointment, huh? It reminded Gwyn that as Sabine she still needed to set an alarm for the next day once she logged off. She had her regular appointment with Rhodes and needed to pick up a new bottle of pain medication, but after that her father had convinced her to go see a movie with him. The nerd liked dumb kid movies just as much as he did scifi flicks despite his age.

Gwyn lifted a hand to flick through the UI of the game, typing out a message to the guild leader that she wouldn't be able to take part in a bounty he had put out a call for since she had done it earlier. She got halfway through when @Kyupin Felnya logged back in. She dismissed the message. She could talk to him later and she was curious if the appointment had been canceled considering the girl was back so soo-

She was upset. She was incredibly upset and collapsed immediately and Gwyn dropped down to a knee in concern. Her hands hovered over the girl's shoulders, but didn't touch. She didn't know if that would make anything worse or not, but she saw where Kyupin's hands went. Her legs. Gwyn's hip twinged in an imaginary pain that had nothing to do with the game and she had an awful feeling her two and two were equally four. The ranger frowned before focusing on the issue at hand. Vulcan had appeared as soon as the girl had and was whining to catch her panicked attention. "Kyupin, Kyupin listen to me. I need you to breathe. We need you to breathe, okay? Deep breathes, hold them if you can. Seven seconds in. Eleven seconds out." She spoke as calmly and as quietly as she could, loud enough for Kyupin to hear over her anxious words and labored breathing. Nathair was silent behind her, watching with eyes that gave away nothing, even if it could feel the muted panic radiating off its tamer.

 

She struggled to follow the voice floating around in her headscape. Breathe. It was too difficult, too much. The instructions continued. A calm in the storm that was her anxiety. Seven in. She tried, shoulders shaking and hiccups interrupting what could've been a steady inhale. Eleven out. Her head spun, everything was too much toomuchtoomuchtoomuch but she tried to count. Had to count. She couldn't disappoint everybody again. That was all she did. Disappoint. She shuddered as she exhaled the last of the air, completely deflating, and then started again.

It took her a long while before her breathing had become a semblance of 'steady', though it was still ragged and each hitched breath just a hairline away from breaking her down. The proper flow of oxygen was clearing up the fog that had settled in, letting everything her mind blocked out seep in.

She snivelled. "Where…?"

A weight on her thigh, hairs tickling the skin there. Some sort of keen noise, a whine, of a dog? Was it hurt? She reached out blindly, feeling pointed ears and a snout, a tongue licking her palm. Something between a startled laugh and a sob slipped past her lips as she scratched at the furry creature.

Vulcan?

Her dilated pupils slowly returned to their normal size, her sight returning to her. @Gwyn ap Herne. Vulcan. Nathair. The small hideaway they'd settled into for their pause.

She was back in Terra Sphere.

Whimpering, Kyupin pulled her furry companion into her arms. His eager licks at her face and head butting concern were comforting to her. She took care not to squeeze him too hard, instead focusing on his squirming presence. An anchor to the ground, keeping her mind grounded instead of floating off into oblivion.

"Gwyn…?" She couldn't look up at her, didn't dare to after that spectacle. "I'm sorry," she whispered, voice cracking as tears welled up once more. What if her new friend thought her to be a freak? Decided to, rightfully, leave after all of that? "I'm so sorry." Kyupin swallowed down her sob.

 

The huntress was careful to keep her breathing also following the seven-eleven pattern, matching the steady timing she needed @Kyupin Felnya to take up as well. In time, she did. Relief began to bloom, but it was too early to let herself relax. She still have no idea what had cause it or why Kyupin had come back to the game so suddenly and so upset. Well, she had no sure idea and she didn't care to assume. She forced as calm a smile as she could summon as the small Felis came back to herself. "Hey kiddo, you're back in Stokbon," she responded though she still seemed to out of it to register for a moment. Vulcan seemed enough though, the soft touch of his fur and the concerned licks dragging Kyupin back to them.

Gwyn smiled ruefully as she dragged the pup into her arms and watched as the girl spoke, eyes down and voice strangled with emotion. She bit into her lip as she fought over what to do with herself and the girl. She didn't know the limits of what she should do, how to help, what would hurt. She didn't know if touching her would upset her more, if whatever she managed to choke out in return would make it worse. Fuck it.

With a careful movement and a firm grip, Gwyn reached out to take hold of Kyupin's shoulders and pull the girl toward into into the circle of her arms. She tucked her head under her chin and hugged her, though was ready to release her if she moved to pull away from the ranger's grasp. "Oh, no, no honey. You have nothing to apologize for." She spoke low, soft, and sure as she lifted a hand to card through Kyupin's hair and smooth over the feline ears her virtual race gave her. "You're fine, you're safe. I've got you, hon. For however long you need." Nathair moved to curl around them. It didn't touch any of the three, but it made a low wall of scales around them as if to keep the world at bay. She was going to give the damn thing a hundred rats in thanks later.

 

She whimpered as she was guided into Gwyn's embrace, firmly tucked into place. There was a moment of hesitation on Kyupin's side before she accepted the kindness for what it was and leaned into the hug. Her apologies died on the tip of her tongue and, unable to think of anything else to say, she simply listened. The soft hiss of Nathair as the massive snake curled protectively around them. The soft pants of Vulcan. The gentle lull of Gwyn's voice. Her erratic breathing had calmed to the occasional hiccup and broken sob, but her tears still streamed silently, soaking the front of the other woman's shirt.

Kyupin wasn't sure how long they sat there like that; her, crying and shuddering, and @Gwyn ap Herne, comforting and running a hand through her hair. But eventually she ran out of tears.

And in place of the snotty tears came all the words. "I had therapy today," she started, "was supposed to, at least." She hadn't meant to start talking, but they came spilling out without regard for her feelings. There were too many suffocating her, knotting together in her chest, and if she didn't get something out she might just drown under the weight of these thoughts.

"I don't have legs anymore," she admitted, voice almost shameful, "they had to amputate after… an accident." Her laugh was bitter. "They make me go to therapy so I can learn to walk with prosthetics, so they can make sure I'm still all there in the head."

She let out a low, keening whine, a hysterical sob bubbling from her lips. There were no tears, she'd cried too much for that, but one couldn't call that a laugh. "I'd completely forgotten about why I'd first joined. But now," she pulled away from Gwyn, "now every time I log out, I'll be reminded." Her hands dropped to her legs, clenching into fists. "I'll see those, ugh, those useless stumps. I'll have to burden everybody around me, have to just… watch… as the world goes on without me."

She curled into herself, forcing Vulcan to hop off her lap lest he get squished. "They don't say it but I see the pity. And how much pain I've caused them." The stress lines her brother had gotten, the bags under her dad's eyes. Her grandparents hadn't always looked so old but in light of the accident, they had aged horribly. Kyupin shuddered. "I don't want to go back to that again," she admitted.

And wasn't that terrifying? Leaving it all behind. But at the same time, there was a lingering hope inside of her that knew how relieving it would be. To start over, completely. To forget everything that had happened. Her legs. Her mom. Her existence.

"It hurts too much."

 

Gwyn held the girl tighter in her grasp as it became obvious she wasn't going to pull away from the circle of her arms. She dug her fingers through her hair to pull at tangles that didn't exist and scratched her short hails over her scalp lightly. It had once soothed her when she was small and it was all she really knew to do. She wasn't exactly used to being on either side of this kind of thing. Even with her own injury she had directed her sorrow and anger at herself and at fixing things amidst it all. The Felis spoke with obvious distress and the ranger couldn't find it in herself to be upset at the tears and snot no doubt getting on her armor. It could be cleaned later. Kyupin should be allowed to experience her emotions without issue or restraint. Bottling things up did nothing but worsen issues.

She stayed silent and let her say what she willed, petting her gently and watching Vulcan sit at her hip, the pup lifting a paw to place on Kyupin's thigh as the bright eyed beast peered up at her with concern. What a kind tame. Nathair for its part simply watched around them, hissing out a breath every now and then as if to underline its presence. As if they would forget that they were protected and their peace kept. She appreciated the unusual show of care from the massive green anaconda.

Finally Gwyn sighed deeply, "What you see when you see them in pain, that's them hurting for you not because of you. It can be hard to look them in the eye and not see their sympathy as pity, but they don't know what it's like. They'll never know what it's like and that scares them. They don't know how to help you." She was used to seeing it on the face of her father, but he was getting better about it. The man was generally too high in spirits to let anything bother him for long. It was when she got angry at herself that she could see a hint of how much it hurt him. "Then again, we don't know how to help ourselves either," she said half to herself rather than Kyupin before bringing herself back to focus. "Your legs, even if they aren't whole and aren't the same, are still your own. If they're trying to get you to use prosthetics then there's a future for you with them. Hey, maybe you'll get strong enough to go rock climbing with me when I'm done with my therapy. We'll go scale something easy, get to the top of the mountain and I'll show you what it feels like to stand above clouds."

She forced more cheer than she felt into her tone in an attempt to heighten the girl's spirits or catch her attention on something a bit more positive for her future, but eventually it faded some. "But I won't tell you not to be upset, to cheer up or whatever. It's going to be hard for a long while and you've allowed to be upset about that. Every second you bear it, every second you talk about it, every second here or back there that you keeping going? Makes you so incredibly strong. I'm so proud of, Kyu."

 

She snivelled, swallowing any of the louder sobs that threatened to escape her as she listened intently to @Gwyn ap Herne. The larger woman seemed to know, at least in part, what Kyupin was feeling. Emotions flickered across her face – the relief, that there was somebody else who understood; then the guilt, that she could actually enjoy somebody else suffering; and finally: the self-loathing, the anger, the bitterness, everything that fought to consume her and remind her that she was horrible.

Her ears twitched, catching soft-spoken words but not letting them fully register before Gwyn continued to talk. "Therapy?" she repeated quietly, not meaning to interrupt. The word had stuck out like a sore thumb. It was hard to imagine the strong, mighty Gwyn needing any sort of therapy, really, but that was what the game did. It showed a different reality.

It was a forced cheer, but Kyupin still let out a tiny laugh. A broken-hearted, whimpering one, but a laugh nonetheless. "Standing above the clouds," she mused, "I'd like that."

She squeezed her hands into fists, looking up at Gwyn with glittering eyes. "But we can do all of that in the game," she reminded. Scaling mountains, standing above the clouds breathing in all the air. And she wouldn't have to do it with those fake legs. She'd do it with her own. She'd feel the rocks and the grass and everything else that would come under her feet. The idea of living in Terra Sphere, even if it meant more violence, was becoming more and more viable in her eyes. She didn't dare say it though.

Instead, she tried her best to smile. It came out a grimace. "I'm not strong," she admitted, "I'm trying to be, but I'm not." She'd never been.

A silence settled between them for a while. It was… surprisingly comfortable. Kyupin relaxed in Gwyn's arms, letting the feeling of fingers pulling through her hair consume the entirety of her senses. She'd shut her eyes, her breathing slowing to the point that one might think the small Felis had fallen asleep if it weren't for the way her own fingers fidgeted once in a while. Something still tugged at her mind.

"Gwyn?" she asked, voice slow as if she were afraid to speak. "What happened? T'you. To need therapy."

 

Gwyn struggled with herself in the face of the mounting emotions. The situation the two beast tamers had found themselves in, through no fault of their own either here or back in the waking world, was anything but fair and even less so easy. It was the antithesis, the exact opposite of easy to think about, to explain, to fix, to make peace with. No one deserved to fight obstacles they didn't actively pick a fight with, like Gwyn and her outdoor activities. Those she hunted down. She chose to set her sights on them, to set her goals for herself, and to try again and again and again until she finally was pleased with her work. She owed it to no one else and never once had she faced something she hadn't chosen or didn't welcome when it chose her.

And yet, here they were. She was lucky, Gwyn knew that, that what Kyupin faced was not her own fight to fight. She was lucky she hadn't fallen from those heights and been dashed across the rocks at the bottom. A broken leg and fractured hip were nothing compared to the very real and lethal consequences she could have faced. Sabine could have been paralyzed. She could have suffered brain damage. She could have died. Both player and character has stared death in the eyes a thousand times and never once had either felt the fear in that split moment of free falling where she thought "this is the last thing I'll ever do." It wasn't, but she still fought with it and herself every time her hip twinged or a new climbing magazine subscription came it. Every time an old friend got in touch to update her or her old work asked after her health, though they were really asking if she would come back to them. Her 'bosses' had been close friends, the community of the company an easy and informal one. It was hard to play at being a bunch of rich suits when you were all a bunch of nomadic mountain men or hipster hippies. She still sent back the same response to them all. "Getting better every day." It didn't feel like it.

The ranger chewed at the inside of her lower lip for a moment as she considered Kyupin's question. After a moment of deliberation she decided that she didn't mind saying, admitting to the little Felis. "I fell. I was off the job and hiking alone in Colorado, charging up my batteries so to speak for dealing with people. The woods are better alone and I loved my job, but babysitting hikers can be so stupid," she interrupted herself with a chuckle at a few of her fonder memories of dumb shit she had had to deal with on the trail. "Anyway, I went alone to one of my favorite climbs. It's small, easy, easier to miss. Doesn't even have an unofficial official name. I- uh, I just called it Mini Mt. McFuckIt. Listen, rock climbers give routes weird names so don't judge. We can only have so many Northridges or Stairway to Heavens or Westpoint or whatever. And Pineapple Thunderpussy was already taken." Gwyn's lips twisted into a pained smile as she spoke. Talking about her passion was always a joy, even when it was about dumber shit that babysitting hiking parties, but there was still a serious aura around them. This was still leading up to the worst moment of her life to date. She swallowed heavily before she continued speaking. "I fell on such an easy cliff, but a cliff is a cliff. I'm lucky worse didn't happen, but it shattered my right hip. Three fractures in my pelvic bone. Five in my right femur. Severe bone and muscle bruises. Concussion. Sprained ankle. The whole nine yards. I had my cell on me, thank fuck. Called a friend who lived in the area and he helped me down to the road where an ambulance was waiting." At some point while speaking, her hand paused in Kyupin's hair and her fingers curled in it without thought.

"Anyway. Short story after that is I moved to the east coast so my father lived close enough to help me to and from appointments. I had a few surgeries a couple months back. They say at this rate maybe I'll be cleared out of therapy for walking and range of movement in a few months. I don't know how long I'll be doing strength training until I can climb again. It'll be all upper body for a long time. I don't... I don't know yet if my leg'll be good enough to really climb again, but they say it looks good." She shrugged helplessly and tried not to cry. The fucking kid lost her legs and here she was on the verge of tears over a low probability 'no.' Gwyn inhaled shakily to steady herself and cleared her throat. "Could have been a lot worse and I could be satisfied here in Terrasphere, but I know it's not right. There's something off, something lacking. It's a ghost of the real glory. This game is realistic, I know, but I also know what it feels like to freeclimb a cliff taller than some skyscrapers and get to the top, knowing you could have died, but that you didn't." The tremble of anxiety before slowly was turning to that of excitement, the wild light in her eyes coming back for a moment before she closed them to savor some imagined feeling.

"I could hide here in the game and climb, Kyu, but I can't." She pulled away long enough to look down. It reminded her of the conversation Sabine had had with her father the other day during the news about the DeepDive Clinics. "That cliff is waiting for me, that one and all the others I haven't tackled yet. I have friends I want to threaten to shove off the top of Devil's Tower and people who have records I gotta beat. The game's amazing, but it isn't home. It'll never be my home."

 

She kept silent through the entire explanation, horrified understanding dawning on her face. Before Gwyn had even gotten to describing the actual damage, she could close her eyes and picture the scene. Gwyn, sprawled out, bleeding and body in an awkward position. The hospital, as they told her about her condition.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. The memories flashed in front of her, her face replaced with Gwyn's. The denial. The tears. The anger and self-hate. All a reflection of her own experiences.

But not exactly. Not really.

She kept her mouth shut, biting down harshly on her lip to swallow down the arguments bubbling inside of her. @Gwyn ap Herne wouldn't understand. Couldn't understand. She had a chance.

Kyupin would… She'd never get that opportunity; they'd made it clear to her. She'd lost everything in that accident – her friends had moved on, her boyfriend had left out of guilt, her family was falling apart. There was nothing better in the real world than the world of Terra.

But she couldn't explain that. Not without sounding like a selfish brat.

So instead, Kyupin snuggled closer into Gwyn's arms, exhaustion flooding her body. All the tears had taken so much energy out of her, wearing her down right to the bones. She didn't want to think anymore. Perhaps it came to no surprise, then, that her breathing finally evened out as she drifted off into a deep slumber right there and then.

But her body stayed in the game.

(( I'm thinking you can end it in your next post? ))

 

Besides the weak apology for something Kyupin couldn't help and something it was too late for Gwyn to help, there was only an eerie sort of silence. She could practically hear the gears in the Felis' mind turning as she thought, but the huntress was no mind reader. Watching her face revealed nothing after the horror had faded. She didn't know if the expression had been for the injuries, the fall, how she spoke about it, nothing. But pity wasn't there and that was a relief. The girl falling silent wasn't. She wasn't sure what she'd done wrong, but couldn't help but feel like she had misspoken. She felt that somewhere along the line she had chosen the wrong hold, held with a weak crimp, gotten her boots wet and slipped. It wasn't Gwyn who was in any danger of falling this time though.

Helplessly, she pulled the girl closer and let her remain quiet. What could she say? If her doctors said there was hope then there was hope, in whatever form that may have been, but she didn't get to decide that for Kyupin. She couldn't consider her opinion or her feelings lesser. How would she feel if someone decided what she could or couldn't do? She'd deck the fucker and do what she willed or dig her heels in and refuse. What Gwyn and Sabine wanted was exactly what they would do, nothing more and nothing less. She wouldn't demand anything else of anyone else.

She listened with burning eyes and throat as Kyupin's breathing steadied into sleep, mind reeling at she desperately tried to find the fix for something like this. Gwyn didn't know how to fix it as Sabine back in the waking world... how could she ever hope to find a way for someone else with it so much worse? She couldn't. It wasn't her place, as painful as it was to accept it. This wasn't an obstacle she hadn't managed to best yet. It wasn't ever her obstacle. No one could best it but Kyupin and, if anyone tried to do it for her she would never accept a victory. Who would?

With an unsteady breath, Gwyn rose. As gently and as silently as she could she hooked her arms under the girl's limp form and lifted her. Vulcan whined at her feet, but toddled along easily as Nathair lead the way. She pressed against their mental bond and the anaconda didn't hesitate to make way for an inn. Exhausted. Drained. Mourning. Helpless. Neither Gwyn nor Sabine were the type to feel fear in the face of a challenge, but she couldn't help but feel a ghost of it when she looked into Kyupin's sleeping face. All she could do now was buy the girl a room and let her sleep it off, her wolf cub curled against her side with his muzzle pillowed on her stomach. The huntress sat heavily in a wooden chair by the small desk that numbered among the scant furniture in the rented room. She would hold vigil as needed, she decided. Her body decided otherwise. She'd regret the crick in her neck when she woke up slumped over in the chair in a few hours to come.