Aaron sat away from the others, staring into the darkness. Usually, he didn't like the darkness. He was a paladin - or training to become one - and as such the darkness was the antithesis to who he was. Yet... he felt a bit of a need to hide, and it was impossible to hide when shining with a bright light. But wasn't that why he chose to shine with a bright light, so that he could expose the wicked actions often done in the dark, the thoughts and deeds of those who preyed upon the innocent and the weak? For the first time, Aaron considered the fact that perhaps darkness was not always evil. That it could offer shelter to those who needed to hide to be safe. A fire brought light, yet it destroyed. Perhaps the world was not as black and white as he had thought. Yet... even as those thoughts came to him, he knew they were not true. Not completely true, at least. Half-truths were the worst of all lies. Just because the dark was not always evil, and just because the light did not always come from good, did not mean right and wrong were any less real, and so long as light was taken as a marker of right, Aaron would work for the light. He had told Jack earlier that they needed to talk. The man could find him - Aaron would be visible still, the light reflecting off of the back of his armor. It was only his face directed toward the dark. Until Jack came, Aaron would wait, staring into the shadows. @Jack Anders
Surprisingly enough, the paladin in training had expressed the desire to talk to Jack rather than the opposite occuring. It wasn’t as if the dialog was unwanted however. In fact, the mage had actually planned on talking to Aaron in the first place, making things much more convenient on his end since. He wouldn’t seek out the front liner first however, tending to other matters and discussions that had flagged attention earlier in the day. Only after an hour or two of camp being officially settled in did he proceed to disturb the man from his melancholy meditation. Rapping a knuckle against the man’s armored back, he’d let out a friendly string of words to announce his presence. The last thing he needed was a sword through the ribs from startling his companion. “Hey, you wanted to chat?” Upon turning around, Aaron would find a familiar face dressed with a toothy grin standing behind him. “Seems like you’ve had better days. How’ve you been holding out champ? Wouldn’t want you breaking down too early. We’ve got a ways to go.” His words were filled primarily with encouragement, however upon further inspection one would find other implications threaded between. After all, as one of the group's healers, he couldn't afford to watch their sole vanguard crumble. The burden would then fall on him to compensate. @Aaron Marone
Aaron didn't turn to face Jack when he heard the man's voice or the feeling against his back. He sat stoically, staring still into the darkness, and the impression might be given that Aaron hadn't even noticed that Jack had come. "In the real world," Aaron began. "I'm not exactly on top of my life." Aaron hung his head, and stared at his hands now. "When I arrived here, I decided that I wanted to look exactly like I did there in this world. The reason for that, was that I didn't want to feel like this Aaron," he gestured to himself. "Was any different from the Aaron currently sitting on an old chair, surrounded by trash that has built up over the last few months. I came to this world because I was told I could be anything, and for once in my life, I wanted to be a hero. To help people. I've seen so much pain in my life, so many people suffering when they haven't needed to. I always wanted to help those people, to take their suffering on for them if that was the only way. Maybe then my life would mean something, you know?" He asked, still not looking Jack in the eyes. "I've tried to kill myself, in the real world. Multiple times. I was kicked out of my house by my parents, because I didn't match up with what they believed was the 'right lifestyle' I should be living. Since joining this world, I haven't felt as bad in that one, and I thought maybe, my life was finally getting better, that finally I would find myself in a place where I could help people take care of their problems, and not just be a burden. I was looking forward to this raid, so much. Finally, I would be able to prove to myself that I could be a hero. That I could protect people, and lead them." "Instead, I've proved something. I proved I'm not any different than I am in the real world. I'm a fuck up there, who can't ever help someone without getting them in more trouble, and I'm a fuck up here. When we were facing that statue, I was so sure of myself. I was convinced that I would lead everyone, and we would get through it all fine. But everything I tried to do seemed to backfire. Lucia got targeted because of attacking that statue, which I told her to do. I tried to save her from that, and only made myself useless, and she still got hurt. Sure, not as bad, but still." "I've been thinking.... I could kill myself, in this world. And it wouldn't do any difference. I'd respawn, like nothing happened, with just some strange trait that takes a bit of who I am away from me here. Would that make the whispers stop? The whispers that the Aaron in that other world have fought for so long? If I'm not here to be a hero, what else could I be here for?" Aaron sighed heavily, and shook his head. "I know that everyone messes up, every now and then. But I seem to be doing it more and more, and today, my mistake nearly caused the whole party to die. I know, rationally, that this was just another stumble, and that I will be able to recover from this, and be fine. But at the same time, I know it's important to learn from our mistakes. What I learned today is that I'm not ready to be a leader, and that I don't know how to protect someone without throwing my own life on the line to do so. I might feel like I'm useless to you all alive, but I know I'm useless to you all dead. So don't worry, I'm not quitting the team, I'm not gonna off myself or throw my life away at the next enemy we face." "You kept a cool head, during that encounter. I was mad at you, at first, for not risking your life to help the Druid, to heal him. But I recognize that we have different morals, that just because we each use holy magic doesn't mean you believe in the self-sacrifice and all that which is typically associated with piety. And that's not a bad thing, not when you have to lead a group of misfits who don't know how to work together. I don't know how to work with other people, that well. I can't be a leader. But I think you can." For the first time, Aaron would look up at Jack. "I want to apologize, for everything I did wrong today. It won't happen again. If you're willing, I think you should lead this team. And if that's the case... then tell me what to do, boss."
He’d let out a heavy sigh as some of Aarons words resonated with the dark haired man. Not wanting to interrupt, he’d continue to let the lad pour forth a torrent of words in an attempt to let him get it all out. After all, venting had its perks and often had a therapeutic role as well. It was only after he was sure that the man had finished that he’d continue speaking. Were the paladin to even remain conscious of his surroundings, he might even have mistaken Jack as having long walked off due to the uncanny silence that he was met with. Once the monologue had ground to a halt however, he’d be met with a swift response. Clearly the mage had thought of such things before, otherwise his words wouldn’t have flown so naturally. “Ya see? That’s the problem right there. You don’t need to be a hero kid, you just need to be happy.” He’d shake his head at the man’s back while showing a mild sign of disapproval. “I’ve seen enough people come and go to say this with confidence. You can’t save anyone before saving yourself. Gotta look after number one first. Forget about helping anyone else if you can’t even tie your damn shoes properly. You’ll just trip and fall, and when that time comes and all those burdens you’ve taken on come crashing down with you? It all shatters to itty bitty pieces. All of it. And those that remain, they’re the ones forced to clean up after the dust has settled.” Though still standing in that same spot behind the man, a heavy sigh could be felt as he’d exhale against his companion’s back with a bit of frustration. “I need you to value yourself more. We all do, as both your party mates and your friends. I get the whole martyrdom and self-sacrifice sounds glorious and has its moments… but we don’t need a hero. We need a front line that can hold its ground and keep it and you’re all we’ve got. Take a second and think for a minute. If you had crumpled back there and turned to dust, what next? Huh? You gonna justify that it was worth saving one person? That’s a load of bullshit and you know it. It’s basically condemning the all seven of us to a guaranteed death – including the person you saved. Eight if you count Ornson… and his is permanent.” A firm bump of his fist could be felt against the paladin’s armor as Jack turned away and began slowly pacing off towards the fire. His footsteps halted once, albeit very briefly as he addressed Aaron one final time for the night. “More times than not, you’ll find the light if you look hard enough for it. But if all you do is stare into that black abyss - that’s all you’re gonna see.” /EXIT @Aaron Marone
Aaron listened to the man's words. They had weight, and value. But something about them didn't ring true to Aaron. He wasn't completely sure what, though. But it was the man's final words that caused Aaron to nod slowly. If nothing else, that is what he would hold on to. "You're right," he said, pushing himself up to stand. "Maybe not that shit about putting myself first, and looking out for number one. I'm not number one. People who put themselves first... they'll die alone, with regrets, at the end of a long and sad life. I'm not going to put myself before others, not anymore at least. I realized that's what I've been doing. My 'self-sacrifice' so far has been that, trying to put my desire to be a hero before the team's need to win. Not any more. I'm not gonna stare into the darkness." He turned exhaled heavily. "Thank you," he said to Jack. Life. Joy. Hope. These things were the light Aaron was looking for, fighting for. And they came from people, not solitude. So with that in mind, Aaron would make his way back to where everyone was gathered around the fire. He might have only known Dempsey vaguely, Jack and Alpha on a bit of a more personal level, and the rest hardly at all, yet still. For this time, they would be his allies and teammates. And those that would have him, he would be their friend.
