“Stupid…pig…” Roland breathed as he grabbed the side of the fence nearby him. He’d been chasing the wild boar for over an hour as it circled the open plains before him taunting Roland openly. This task was by far one of the most annoying domestic quests Roland had ever accepted. It had seemed easy enough; a local alchemist had asked Roland’s help collecting a handful of unusual ingredients for his potions. He had been tempted to say no, but having an alchemist in his pocket was just too good of an opportunity. “He'd better make some damn find health potions,” Roland grumbled to the sky as he leaned back on the fence.

The first on his short list of items to obtain was the Portmont boar's tail hairs. Roland wasn't sure how the hairs were even used, and he was confident he didn't want to know, hoping that it didn't involve anything he would digest in the future. It didn't matter at the moment, though, as he was currently incapable of obtaining said hairs. Roland stared at the beast that trotted mere 100 yards away from him. If it were a regular fight, he would have slain the annoying things ages ago, but sadly the thing ran away as soon as he drew near.

Roland grit his teeth as he braced himself for yet another chase. Bouncing off the fence behind him he sped forward into the clearing arms outstretched to either side; the pig merely sniffed the air at his as he closed in within 50 feet. Then the chase was on in earnest. The pig spun heavily in the opposite direction letting out a high pitched squeal as it took off sending pieces of grass flying into the air in its wake. Roland tried to keep up, but the four hundred pound beast was merely too swift and quickly made its way around Roland circling up behind him and coming to rest at the fence. Not giving up, Roland plowed forward towards the pig intending to trap it between the picketed wall and himself. Edging closer on the pig, it began to look around nervously, not seeing an immediate exit. "I got you now!" declared Roland as he moved within several feet of the bovine, arms outstretched once more. The boar suddenly charged forward with a swerve, that Roland did not anticipate, sending the man to the ground with a loud thump as he missed the creature by inches. Roland yelled a curse into the air as he wallowed on the grass floor in defeat.

 

There was much to offer in this game, and nobody would live long enough to experience it all. The towns, the wilderness, the random events... So numerous were the options available that rather than worrying about what one could do, they ought to focus instead on what they wanted to do. Take himself, for instance. The Admiral was grinding out quest after quest in the hopes of saving up enough money to join a guild and make something more serious of himself. True the songs and games would be an ever-present part of his pleasantly persuasive and perverse package pushed upon the peerage. But that didn't mean that he had to be a useless vagabond playboy bard who sang annoying songs and kept an "accurate" ledger of all the PCs and NPCs he'd slept with. Plus that one sheep, which he had named Farm Velvet.

Having never really explored Pormont before, it became obvious why. There was nothing out here but gnolls, pigs, grass, and what looked suspiciously like quest areas he was far too weak to go near. There were only so many times you could Find Billy's Retainer or Bury the Hatchet with the simple repeatable quests in the area before you wanted to pull your hair out. So, he had opted to pull someone else's hairs instead. Another god damned pig's, to be precise.

Approaching the quest area, he noted the familiar visage of Roland chasing about a boar and herding it about. Despite his best efforts, the boar was just too fast to be caught alone without more arcane means to assist him. The Admiral smiled and leaned against the fence, staring across at a pouting Roland who was shouting and wallowing on the ground in exacerbation.

"There once was a man and a boar,
The former the latter implored.
Just give me some hair,
Or else I'll despair!
And ask for Admiral's help once more."

Grinning, he sent an invite to Roland to join up into a party and tackle, literally, the beast together. They had worked together with some effectiveness in the past, and with the bard here to prove a louder distraction, there was a good chance Roland would be able to wait in ambush and capture the piggly wiggly this time around.

Invite

The Admiral has invited you to their party. Accept?

@Roland Rutledge

 

Roland groaned as he laid on the ground, his head hurt from the fall, and his back ached from the strain. Sometimes the realism was honestly more of a chore than it was worth. Taking a moment to catch his breath he stared at the blue sky above him, watching the clouds meander past. It was likely in his head, but he could have sworn one of them looked like a pig winking. As he laid there day dreaming he heard a familiar voice singing an awful tune.

"Either the pig's learned how to rhyme or that must be you, Admiral," Roland called out with a laugh a moment before the party invite appeared before him. Roland casually brushed the invitation away by pressing it's green accept icon as he pushed himself up off the floor. Sure enough was the rapscallion of the man named the Admiral. It hadn't been too long since their last encounter with the Oak Heart. Despite everything working out, in the end, it had been very touch and go for the vast majority of the fight, something that could be attributed to the man's lack of common sense. Still, he seemed an amenable enough fellow, so Roland had chosen not to hold it against him. "Your a present delivered by the god's my dear friend. Just when I need an idiot whose ugly enough to scare a pig, the powers that be bring me you." Despite the venomous words, Roland flashed the man a large smile intending the jabs to be friendly. "Now do me a favor and stand over there, until I chase this pig your way, and then look at it like it's the last girl in the bar at last call, and I'll do the rest."

Grinning ear to ear, Roland took off circling the boar who had decided to lay down in the grass, so it could feed without standing. He had already tried to sneak up on it when it was grazing like this; the result was it would catch a whiff of him too late and run in a random direction. That would not work, not that Roland had a plan, but the beast had remained elusive even when he had one, so just improvising seemed the correct method for the task at hand. So he decided to do something different, and once he was opposite of both the pig and the admiral he began to move forward singing a merry tune loudly.

"There was an old person of Bray,
who sang through the whole of the day
To his ducks and his pigs,
Whom he fed upon figs,
That valuable person of Bray."

As Roland sang and moved towards the pig, it stood up confused shuffling away from him. Onwards Roland moved random singing tunes, and the pig continued to saunter away from him, starting at him in a mildly curious manner. Eventually, the pig made it near the Admiral and turned in his direction. Roland couldn't see what the man did, but the pig suddenly bolted towards Roland, slamming into his arms where he struggled to hold on, "Quickly Admiral, the tail! The tail!"

@The Admiral

 

The Admiral gave a hearty laugh as Roland jibed at him, leaping the fence and walking into the pasture where this tragic display of farm-handing was taking place. Neither seemed well equipped for dealing with this, and the quest specified not to kill the pig or seriously injure it, so chasing and hoping it was. He scoffed at Roland's remark about him being a god-blessed ugly idiot but bit down on his response, because he had something much more sinister in mind. Waiting patiently, he picked at his nails and began to re-organize his inventory, humming along with the songs Roland sent out across the grassy fields. When he began to hear the thudding of hooves in his direction he glanced to see the boar's approach, and as instructed, smiled at it like it was the last woman in a bar at closing.

Well, that didn't stop the pig any or force it to change direction, which was probably good. There was not room in the world enough for his ego if he was able to genuinely tell people he charmed a wild beast with a smile, without the beast taming skill.

OH! THAT was what they needed for this stupid quest! But he wasn't a beast tamer, and Roland was the world's worst if he had picked the skill up since their last meeting. What this situation required then was a tactical advantage. The pig had to fear something more than it feared Roland... and he knew just what to do. Removing a gold piece from his inventory, he tossed it on the ground between himself and the pig, causing it to stop and perk its ears up and sniff at the air tensely. Finally noticing him standing there, it narrowed its beady little eyes and snorted, listening, waiting, unsure of where to go or what to do. Pigs were stupid. Opening his menu, he hit the SUMMON button and produced a small snarling knee-high goblin in his hands, dropping it onto the ground with an unceremonious thud. The slobbering and gibbering thing sniffed the air for several seconds while the pig's hairs stood on end, just about ready to leap out of its skin. As soon as the goblin smelled the gold coin it began to run like a ravenous beast for it, hooping and hollering like the crazed little monster it was. It grabbed the coin and shouted in triumph, but that hardly mattered... it had done its purpose by terrifying the boar back in Roland's direction. Listening to the man shout for him, the Admiral picked up and put away his goblin, then approached.

"You want me to... what?" he asked, scratching at his head and staring at Roland wrestle the beast. "Sorry. I think I'm just idiot. An ugly one, in fact. What was it you wanted me to..." he trailed off and stared blankly for several long moments, like a statue of stupid. "...do?"

Grinning, he reached down and plucked a few hairs from the tail of the pig before it could buck and escape. He grimaced and held one out for Roland to take as quest completion, pocketing his own.

"Hurrah, hurrah for Roland. He finally caught a pig.
Hurrah, hurrah for Roland. Praise him with a jig.
It took him but an hour, a day, a fort-night still,
To run around its pasture and bend it to his will.

They say he was quite lonely, to beset upon that farm.
They say he was quite desperate, to cause such foul alarm.
For so perverse was his mind that once it was in his grasp,
He begged his friend to join him, and spit-roast the piggy's ass."

 

Roland struggled with the pig as it reared and wiggled underneath his control. Of course, Admiral decided to take his bloody time retrieving the tail hairs as he did so, forcing Roland to clamp onto the large beast with all his might. Eventually, the pig's strength won out, sending it rushing out of Roland's arms at a quick clip. Frustrated Roland pushed himself up off the ground, only to see Admiral with a few strands of tail hair in hand. Biting down a complaint Roland flashed a smile at the man while patting his back, "And here I thought you left me rolling around on the floor with a pig in vain. Let's head back and find some more at the bar, preferably human."

With that Roland headed back into town, quickly seeking out the alchemist before going to the bar. The alchemist in question was an older man who worked out of a booth near the farmer's market. Most travelers could find him with the scent of smell alone as typically the man was mixing a concoction of some foul smelling brew within his large black iron cauldron. Today, was no exception, as when the pair got close they could easily make out the rancid smell in the air. Pushing towards the man's wooden stall, Roland saw the whispery haired fellow lounging in a chair. "Aaaahhhhh the prodigal sons returning," the man said in a low drawl. Roland flashed the man the fake smile he'd learned to use against most of the shopkeeper NPCs, "Yes, I have here a few boar hair's per request." The man nodded at Roland's statement but did not move from his seat to retrieve the item.

A long moment had passed before Roland spoke up once more, thinking the man daft, "Would you like the hairs?" In response the old alchemist giggled, nodding to the pot on his right "You've helped me out a lot, help me some foresee boy, and I'll show you a trick or two, put the hairs in the pot, and give her a stir" For a moment Roland considered protesting to the request, but sighed turning to The Admiral, "A quest is a quest till its complete I guess." Roland grabbed the hairs in his fist, and pinched them into the pot, before grabbing the wooden ladle and stirring it per his instructions. As he did so, the alchemist began to chant off the ingredients, "One whole liver, three ripe born roots, five chopped salamanders the red kind, and a pinch of animal hair, for taste." Roland couldn't help but roll his eyes at the dull explanation, pointedly ignoring the fact that the man thought boar's tail hairs added flavor to anything. However as he continued to stir, he noticed something odd. A small interface had appeared in the top right of his vision, listing the ingredients in the pot as the man had said them. "Hum, I haven't seen that before...." In fact beneath the ingredients were a series of sliding bars that indicated the overall heat of the mixture, the time spent cooking, and the quality. Stunned Roland stopped stirring his mind racing, was alchemy this simple? Just get a recipe, throw the ingredients in a pot, and follow the on-screen guide? This could be huge. "Admiral, I think I just figured out how to make... 'Heat Resistance Potions' " he said reading the tooltip of the recipe. The old alchemist let out a howl of laughter, "See? Wasn't so hard now was it, boy?"

Eventually, the guide indicated the mixture was complete, and Roland helped the old man pour the potion into a variety of vials all while scratching his head. He was sure that alchemy was locked down, it wasn't like riding or sailing he couldn't learn it later if he didn't get it after character creation, and yet there it was in his character profile. Turning to his comrade, Roland said, "You got some extra hairs right? Why don't you give it a go, see if it works for you."

 

@The Admiral

 

Following Roland to the conclusion of this nonsense, the Admiral stood by patiently and fiddled with vials and flasks on a shelf as the player and the NPC spoke amongst themselves. Whatever was going on, it was boring boring boring him to death and it was with only nearly-suicidal lack of interest that he forced himself to slide over when Roland summoned him. The game was full of plenty of interesting things to do, so why not do those things? How anybody could stomach "not quite chemistry nonsense" made no sense to his admittedly simple mind, but a village took all sorts to function. If this was something that Roland truly appreciated and enjoyed, so be it. He'd just have to beat Roland up and take his lunch money or something in the future.

He watched the potion's creation and gave a genuine smile at Roland's enthusiasm for having created a potion for the first time, but frowned when invited to join them and try to make something for himself. Now that was just silly! Why would he want to follow a recipe, or any of the rules, if he was going to play with this alchemy nonsense. Tossing the hairs into a separate small pot, he reached over and threw in some copper powder, an apple from his inventory, and some acidic solution in a bottle labeled HIGHLY CAUSTIC off a shelf nearby. Laughing maniacally, he stepped back and watched as smoke began to billow up out of the pot, wondering what mad concoction he had brought into being in this place. Swiping the mists away with a hand, he looked in to behold... A small pile of copper dust, an uneaten apple, some boar hairs, and a smaller bottle of the acid, all organized away from one another by the system as he lacked the alchemy skill and could not interface with them properly.

"...Very cool," he announced with mild interest, nodding to Roland and hoping their work here was done.

@Roland Rutledge