When I was young, I was a cheerful girl. My life was perfect. I had loving parents and a cool, protective older brother. He was eight years elder to me. My big brother was very popular amongst his classmates and whenever I went to meet him in school, all his friends would pamper me. I did not have so many friends like he did but I had a decent amount too. He would make special time just for me and always attended the tea parties I use to hold. Not only did my family love and pamper me, even neighbours did. They always told me that I was a well mannered, smart girl and would often give me chocolates. The most clearest memory I have of him was when 8 years old. I was walking back to home from school with my big brother. "Are you sure you do not want any help?" It was a new academic year, meaning we needed to buy books. He was carrying both of our books, which is why his hands were occupied and he couldn't hold onto my hand. Usually, he would make sure to hold my hand, so that I do not recklessly go on the streets. He smiled at me."I cannot let you do that. It is duty as a big brother to make sure my cute sister does not carry such heavy things. Besides, you are small and weak right now. When you grow up, I'll let you" I had given him a pout, upset that he thought I was too young (which I actually was but I wanted to be old and mature like him) " No. I'll show you. I am a big girl" The stubborn 8 year old me made my brother let go of the books so I could carry them. It was obvious I couldn't. He chuckled at my failed attempt which made me pout even more. "Do not get disheartened Hazy. You will be able to do it in a few years." " I really hope so" I heard a small mew and turned my head to see an adorable white kitten in the middle of the street. I watched as the pedestrian light turned red and the approaching truck made no attempt to stop. Without thinking, I ran and grabbed the small kitten in my arms. My legs froze when I saw just how close the vehicle. I was too scared. I felt like I was going to die. I felt someone shove me aside and I fell on the street. On looking to see who it was, I was filled with terror. "...big..brother" Indeed. This was the most vivid memory. After all. This was the day I lost him. _______________________ "I'm leaving" My eyes widen I as saw my father say those words. "Don't ! please, you love mom right?! you cannot just leave us like this" I grabbed his hand to stop him from leaving. But of course, a middle aged man can easily over power a small 10 year old girl. He pushed me away. "It is all your fault! I cannot stay in this family. I will go mad otherwise!" With those words, he left, never to come back. He was not in the wrong though. After my big brother died, mom started acting weird. Until finally, she lost it. She started to act as though he was with us. As if, that incident never happened. At first, we thought it was harmless. If she could get a little happiness by acting that he was alive, we would join her. We had no idea we were making things worse. If we knew..we would have never supported her. It got so bad that she would prepare food for four people and then try feeding the meal to an empty seat, the seat where big brother sat. We tried taking her to a psychiatric but when the doctor tried to make her understand that he was no longer alive, she started to get upset and was about to physical harm the doc. It was the first time I saw mom get so upset. I remember how terrified I was when I saw her that day. Dad finally gave up on her. I know his eyes began to wander, and now, he left to live and start a new family with another woman. "Hazel. What happened?" My mom called out to me. I had turned to my mom and gave her a smile,telling her it was alright. This was all my fault. My father said so himself. It was only right to keep the pain with me. I knew my mom was now fragile. I had to protect her. So that is what I did. I kept pretending like my big brother was alive. It was rare, but whenever mom asked me about father, I use to tell her he was on a business trip. Do not get me wrong, I did not hate him. Like I said, he was not in the wrong. He would always send money to mom's bank account for paying the rent and basic needs. But a girl can only take so much right? We all have our breaking points. At least, I like to think that way. _______________________ I was walking alone back home. I would glance around to see everyone in pairs or groups, walking back home. Everything had taken so much toll on me that before I realised it, I was alone at school. I had no friends. It was my fault though. I was the one who avoided everyone. I guess it was because I was jealous. Everyone would talk about their family and I had nothing to contribute to those conversations. I had let out a sigh as I noticed I was in front of my house. I remember at that time, I wished I could go somewhere else. Anywhere would be good. Just, not home. But I knew I could not run away. With a deep breath, I had entered my house. I walked to my mother's room and opened it to see her playing card with my "big brother" "Ah, welcome back Hazel. How was school? You look tired dear. Do you want to play cards with us. We were playing go fish" She gave me a loving smile. Even in insanity, she loved me. Something in me snapped that day. I do not know why. Usually I would have returned her smile and tell I was fine then join her. But not that day. I dropped my bag to the floor and walked up to my mom, grabbing her by the shoulder and shook her. "HE'S GONE! STOP THIS! JUST ACCEPT THE FACT. HE WON'T EVER RETURN! HE DIED 7 YEARS AGO SO PLEASE! IF NOT FOR YOURSELF, BUT FOR MY SAKE....just stop..you can see it too..I'm tired.. I cannot handle you anymore" I regret those words so much because that night I lost her. I had cut off the last string the held her up. My lies were her life line and now that I bluntly told her the harsh reality. She killed herself. I wanted to start another life. A place where I did not screw things up so much. After staying 1 years in that empty house, I finally decided to leave the house I grew up in and move to another country (with my father's help of course) I entered my brother's room one last time and noticed his VR set. That was the only thing I took of his. I did not use it though. It just stayed by my bed side. That was, until I got a message telling me about terrasphere. I thought of it as a way to start another life and also to use my brother's things. Now, I am currently living by my self in America. I started attending school over here and I opened up a bit, at least I think I did. I made a couple of friends too which is always a good thing. I still get jealous by other people but I don't let it get in my way of making new friends(at least,I try not to)
